Dungeons & Dragons has an inherent amount of silliness to it, derived its roots as a casual hobby filled with puns and friendly banter. You can absolutely do epic quests with it, but the game often works just as well if it tells smaller, sillier stories. This story is one of the latter, as Onyx the Invincible and Khelben Arunsun team up to deal with something that the city of Waterdeep has outlawed for years: lawyers.

A Lonely Night

Our story kicks off with Onyx having just won a drinking contest at Selûne’s Smile. He’s supposed to be helping Luna fix the place up after it got smashed in “Waterdhavian Nights,” but he’s procrastinating instead.

As Onyx mentions, Timoth and Vajra are off “fightin’ wars.” This is a reference to “Scavengers,” a much more serious tale that we’ll get into next time.

While he’s pondering his next diversion away from helping Luna, some ladies enter the tavern seeking “Onyx the Insatiable.”

And, just like that, Onyx is accidentally married to a frumpy old woman he just met.

But surely that sort of contract isn’t binding, right? Well, sadly, a certain group of professionals are here to hound our hero to the highest courts.

Onyx flees the pack of lawyers, like any reasonable person would, and literally runs into Khelben “Blackstaff” Arunsun, the most powerful archmage in the city. Sizing up the situation, Khelben decides that the best way to deal with lawyers is to blast them with a cone of cold spell.

It should be noted that Khelben is a 26th-level magic-user, so his cone of cold spell deals 26d4+26 damage. The lawyers just shrug that off, which should raise an eyebrow.

A Plague of Lawyers

Khelben decides that he needs to speak with the other Lords of Waterdeep, as last he knew lawyers were not permitted to practice in the city. He also has some choice words about a lawyer’s role in polite society.

Much to Khelben’s chagrin, Piergeiron Paladinson, the only Lord of Waterdeep who doesn’t disguise his identity to the public, struck a deal allowing lawyers to practice while the archmage was away. And since Onyx doesn’t deal with lawyers himself, he is assigned one for the trial disputing his marriage contract. That lawyer is about as effective as your average public defender…

Thus Onyx gains a wife, who remains unnamed to this point in the comic.

Piergeiron has buyer’s remorse over letting lawyers into the city, but Khelben has a plan. The fate of Waterdeep depends on making sure that Onyx’s marriage falls apart…

The Bedchamber Trek

Khelben pays Onyx a visit while the dwarf is wallowing in the misery of an unwanted marriage. He’s found a loophole in the agreement between the lawyers and the city where the lawyers lose the ability to practice if they do not enforce the judgments they secure. And Khelben plans to make the marriage contract unenforceable.

The custom which Khelben just made up seems rather simple: Onyx has to cross the bedchamber to greet his “lovely” wife in bed.

But suddenly the floor erupts and tosses both Onyx and the lawyer into a hellish environment. They flee a flock of cockatrices and hide in a cave…

The pair escapes the troll by jumping across a pit of fire, but the bed is now on a distant plateau.

I, for one, would really like to know what actual dwarven divorce proceedings look like.

A giant spider attacks next, and while Onyx is ready for a fight the lawyer is most definitely not.

The lawyer makes a run for it, but Khelben isn’t about to let him leave without consequence.

And that is how you deal with lawyers: with pits of fire, giant vermin, and the risk of life and limb.

Secrets Revealed

If all this chicanery seems a little too convenient, that’s because it is. The “bedroom trek,” naturally, was an illusion created by Khelben to scare the lawyer off. In fact, Onyx running into Khelben was no coincidence but rather part of the archmage’s plot to rid the city of lawyers…which is probably why his cone of cold didn’t actually harm them.

Khelben couldn’t have done it all alone, though. He needed Onyx as a patsy, and he needed a partner in crime.

Onyx is…not exactly happy with playing the fool once again. But at least he gets a night with his new “wife.”

Once again, I am in absolute love how the fully merged Kyri is both a seductress and trickster. It plays very well against the “promiscuity = evil” trope that plagues the fantasy genre, and it sets up fun moments like this. I just hope she lets poor Onyx off the hook and breaks out a deck of cards.

Images: DC Comics