People are always asking me, “Charlie, why did you just punch me in the face and try to light me on fire?” To which I normally punch them in the face and try to light them on fire because those people didn’t follow the essential etiquette in having a conversation with me.

To avoid that inevitable burning sensation that comes from me touching a lit match to your gasoline-soaked flesh, please follow these simple five steps. Doing so will ensure a healthier, happier, and combustion-free conversation.

So you want to have a conversation with me…

1) Make sure you have bathed or showered within the last 24 hours.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life on the campus of one of the most liberal, hippie-populated universities in America. I don’t care if you think soap is bad for the dolphins. If you smell like a barn and come within five feet of me, I will defend myself.

2) Pants are not optional.

To be more accurate, pants are not optional for anyone who is not my wife. She can talk to me without any articles of clothing on at all if she so desires. With that one exception, pants are one of the greatest inventions of mankind. Wear them proudly. Pant-like clothing, such as shorts, skirts, and the like, are also acceptable. Don’t think you’re attractive enough to get away without wearing pants. Odds are that you are wrong. Even if you’re correct, I won’t willingly enter a conversation with even an attractive pantsless person. That will only lead to sexual harassment suits and my wife stabbing me to death later on.

3) Don’t talk politics.

During my adult life, politics has shifted from being a topic best avoided among casual acquaintances to a toxic wasteland of horrifying ideologies. Even if our political beliefs align, the sheer horror of the modern political landscape means that my blood pressure will spike the moment the subject gets broached. For everyone’s health, please don’t bring up politics when we converse.

4) Don’t try to sell me on your religion.

Jesus is an exception here – I figure the guy got nailed to a piece of wood, so he gets the indulgence of discussing the hereafter. But if you haven’t been crucified and you can’t walk on water, I’m really not interested in having a discussion on religion with you. I realize perfectly well that I am likely bound for hell on account of being a godless homosexual-sympathetic blasphemous player of fantasy role-playing games. I have made my peace with that, so please don’t shove pamphlets, bibles, or prayer beads in my face.

5) Don’t drop the Nazi bomb.

Or, more accurately, don’t use extreme and inaccurate hyperbole. I usually refer to this as the Nazi bomb due to the fact that folks compare things they don’t like to Nazis way too often, but you could replace the reference to things like Charles Manson, 9/11, or any real-life large-scale tragedy that should be rarely, if ever, used as comparison. You wouldn’t use a shotgun to swat a fly, so don’t bring Nazis into a conversation about sports or action movies – unless those action movies involve someone killing Nazis, in which case we’re cool.

But what about the actual real parallels between the right-wing extremism we’re seeing globally and the rise of actual Nazism? That’s a fair comparison, but also see rule #3.

And there you have it. These five simple rules will allow you to have a conversation with me where I don’t try to burn you as a witch. Of course, there are no promises that said conversation will be sane, comfortable, or enjoyable. At the very least, though, we will both be wearing pants and having a Nazi-free chit chat.

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