Although he has accumulated quite a fan base through his work on such television series as Batman and Family Guy, the great and powerful Adam West remains an enigma. Few people take the time really necessary to learn about such an important figure in American history. This piece serves as an unauthorized biography of this great American hero. Don’t bother trying to check my facts – the people who control the flow of information are hideous pinko commies who would do everything in their power to besmirch Mr. West’s good name and hide his many accomplishments.

Early Life

Like every great American throughout history, Adam West was born in a log cabin that he built himself. The official date of his birth was September 19, 1928, and the place was Walla Walla, Washington. In actuality, Walla Walla had no name at the time – it was later renamed based on Adam’s first words as an infant. He attended Walla Walla High School, which also happened to be a log cabin that he built himself.

For sixteen years, he lived happily in his home town. Unfortunately, in the summer of 1944, a group of Nazis cloned some dinosaurs and set them loose in Washington state. Although Adam was able to single-handedly defeat the genetically-enhanced monsters, the destruction wrought in the battle was immense. He and his family were forced to move to Seattle, where he completed high school.

Following his graduation, he returned to Walla Walla and rebuilt the town, making the architecture entirely log cabin-based. He then obtained a college degree in Literature with a minor in Psychology, so he could better understand the dark workings of the criminal mind. Then it was time for him to leave Washington to pursue a career in acting. The skies wept upon his departure, and the rainy weather in the Seattle area continues to this very day.

Becoming Batman

Adam traveled to Hollywood and quickly took the town by storm. His role as Captain Q in a Nestlé Quik commercial drew the attention of producer William Dozer, who recognized Adam as the perfect fit for Bruce Wayne in the upcoming Batman television series.

The role was only fitting, as Batman’s creator Bill Finger had originally used Adam’s rugged good looks as a model for Bruce Wayne. Likewise, Adam’s penchant for foiling evildoers and disappearing into the night without claiming credit for the good deed served as a perfect model for the good-hearted but humble caped crusader. Showcasing his humility, Adam requested that the show use the title Batman rather than the proposed Adam West Show.

Man of Action

Many people believe that Adam West was typecast following his departure from Batman, thus resulting in his lack of major acting roles over the next thirty years. In actuality, Adam was doing his part to save our country. Since the Kennedy assassination in 1963, various actors were employed at different times to serve as doubles for the President of the United States in dangerous tasks. Most of these actors were in fact Adam West.

Adameven faced a would-be assassin himself, when he was shot at while disguised as Ronald Reagan. Although Adam caught the bullet in midair and ate it, he also faked being shot and then later helped to script Reagan’s “surgery” to avoid suspicion from the American people.

In between these tasks, he also helped re-rebuild Walla Walla after it once again got knocked down by giant robotic dinosaurs and tracked down the Nazi scientist responsible. It turned out the criminal had grown up in a papier maché hut, which is the exact antithesis of a good old-fashioned log cabin. Recent research proves that papier maché is the number one cause of people becoming irrevocably evil and creating robotic dinosaurs to overthrow America. We know all of this thanks to Adam West, of course.

Voice Work

After a successful stint doubling for a total of six different presidents, Adam returned to voice work. One of his best roles was on Batman: The Animated Series, where he played Simon Trent, a washed-up actor who had been typecast for his work as the campy superhero the Gray Ghost. The fact that Adam was able to adapt to such a far-flung role in a situation that he had never himself been in speaks volumes about his acting ability.

During his time as a voice actor, Adam met Seth Macfarlane, eventual creator of the TV series Family Guy. The show was going to be about Adam’s devotion to his family, but aliens from the moons of Venus attacked just before work on the first episode was about to begin. Adam had to travel space and time to defeat the aliens, so Seth threw together some stuff about a fat man in Rhode Island instead. However, Adam did eventually get a recurring role as the mayor of Quahog on that show, which also serves as a nod to his time in politics.

Later on, Seth planned another show, American Dad. Unfortunately, mole men attacked, and Adam was indisposed yet again.

Alleged Death

In 2017, news outlets reported that Adam West had died from leukemia. I have personally blacked out June 9th, the date of his death, from my calendar, and do not acknowledge that it exists. Nonetheless, many braver souls than I acknowledged his passing and mourned him deeply.

Many of Adam’s oldest foes, from mole men to robot Nazi dinosaurs, tried to steal his corpse so they could use his DNA to create super-clones that would obey their whim. None of them succeeded, largely because his body went missing from the graveyard where he was missing.

Did Adam’s many friends and allies move his corpse, knowing that it would never be safe from his foes? Or had our hero found a way to cheat death. Whether he is watching from Heaven or flying a secret experimental jet over Walla Walla to air drop care packages to starving children whose newly-built log cabin homes have been destroyed by robotic dinosaurs, one thing is for certain: he’s out there in some form, ready to protect the people need him the most.

_{Featured Image: ABC Photo Archive/Getty Images}